Sunday, February 25, 2007

Today feels like a good day for a long update...

I always feel like I have a lot of stuff going on... but then when I type it out it doesn't really look like that much.

I've been visiting my Grandma Wodehouse every weekend for the past few weeks. I have really enjoyed spending the time with her and my Great Grandpa, but I needed a weekend to myself. It's been so nice... I've just sat around and not really done anything. Last night I went to see "The Vagina Monologues" for the first time... AMAZING! I loved it! It truly has ignited a passion in me for activism having to do with violence against women.

I've seen a great improvement in my attitude in the last little while. I have quit smoking and have gotten some stuff figured out. I've finally been doing all the things I kept putting off like having my name removed from the LDS church, studying up on Buddhism, looking into volunteer work, and just being a better person. I really want to be a more sociable, confident, and outwardly happy person. The only thing I need to work on more is getting my ass to the GYM.

I am moving back to Southern Oregon at the end of March. I am planning to go to SOU and live at home at first until I find an apartment or something down there. Everything just seems to fall in place when I think about going to school down there. They have a wide range of opportunities in their Education department, I could have a job and still be able to go home and see my family over the breaks without having problems with the job, Ginger will still have me work at the store, and SOU is a more open, liberal, and friendly campus, and I will feel more at home there. The only real downside is the fact that my Grandma and my Great Grandpa will be so far away, I will miss going to see them. Growing up I didn't really have a personal relationship with either of them since we lived in Utah for a while and then when we moved up here we were still 4 hours away, so every time I saw them everybody was there so I was a bit overshadowed, but spending one on one time with them has been really great and I have developed a wonderful friendship with both of them and I love them SO much!

My classes this term are going good. Spanish is good, I have the same teacher as last term, and I still love her! She's just awesome! Lara is in my class again and we've had a ton of fun, just like last term! My Sociology class is good, it's all pretty much review but I enjoy it! The work is way easy and the teacher is really nice and welcoming. I have actually stepped outside my box and spoken up in class this term, which is way out of character for me. I always feel like what I have to say will sound stupid because I am around such educated people, yet I find if I sit there quiet long enough someone else will say what I was going to say. And I was the same way in High School so I know that isn't the only reason I don't speak up. My Poetry class is good... I've written some good poems and shared a poem with the class for criticism. My teacher is awesome.. he's kind of a hippie indie old guy that refers to every poet as some kind of "ass" in a positive way... "Yeah... Sylvia Plath was a hard ass" "Sharon Olds is kick ass" he's so awesome and he talks to us in a raw way... and explains things just wonderfully.

I have also really been enjoying my Diversity class. Last week we talked about oppression and we all sat in a circle and we had to share a story about ourselves and a time we were mistreated. I seriously feel like the people in that class are my family. Listening to everybody's stories was just amazing. It made me realize how many people I am around that have gone through really rough things in their life, and I never even know. I mean... I sit in classes among these people and so many of them are probably these strong amazing people, but I don't really go out of my way to get to know them. There is one boy in particular who has been so kind to me. He is seriously the most kind and genuine person I have ever met in my whole life. He is so outgoing, he'll walk into a class and find someone sitting by themselves and introduce himself and talk to them just because he doesn't like to see people left out, and everything you say he asks questions about it and listens, he actually truly listens to what you say and cares. He is just an amazing guy, and he is Christian, yet every time I have shared a story in class about what I've faced from different churches about being gay, he always chimes in with how wrong and closed minded that thinking is, and gives me a hug after class. And there is a girl I sit next to. She was the reason I went to the Vagina Monologues last night, and she is such an amazing girl! So outgoing and friendly. She makes everybody feel so welcome, and watching her face through class I realize that when people share things about themselves, she's really there with them feeling what they are feeling... she has so much caring in her, and she is like.. the perfect model of a strong, confident, kind, feminist woman and I really want to be more like her.

My roommate is driving me nuts. I really need to vent. Seriously... I avoid her at all costs. I don't believe I've so much as seen her in over a month. I always make sure I am in my room by the time she gets home from work about 6 or 7 and I stay in there and do homework and stuff until she either goes to bed or leaves to spend the night with her boyfriend (which she does often). I should have known I wouldn't be compatible living with a bubbly blonde girl. Last month our power bill was a over HUNDRED DOLLARS! I almost had a heart attack! I am constantly turning the heat down in the living room... there is no NEED for it to be on 70 while nobody is even here! I go into our bathroom and the heat in there is on HIGH! Seriously! There is only a toilet and a shower in there, the sink is in an adjacent room and it gets warm in there when you shower anyways! And I never turn the heat on my room, I have 2 comforters on my bed, so I don't really see the need for it, and yet... still $100. I load the dishwasher all the time with her stuff if she leaves it in the sink, but if I leave my stuff in the sink because I'm in a hurry or something, she'll load everything BUT my stuff... same with unloading, even though we share dishes and pans and silverware. Speaking of pans... we have like 3 pans... just the ones I came with.. one is a frying pan, one is a wok, and one is a sauce pan, and she cooks in the frying pan once a week or so... but she doesn't wash it... ever. She just leaves it on the stove and cooks in it again and again, so if I ever need it I have to scrub it like 3 times to get all the crap out of it... annoying. Granted.. she is a good roommate in other ways, but the way she acts, and the way things have gone I don't feel like this is at all my home anymore. I mean I came back from winter break and everything was completely different.. she had gotten rid of things and bought new things and it just wasn't the same place anymore.. ugh.

With the whole having my name removed thing. I sent a letter asking to have it removed a few weeks ago... because.. the way I see it... I'm gay... I always will be... and I refuse to live my life in the closet, and someday I'm going to fall in love and find a wonderful partner, so it seems that if I didn't have my name removed I'd just be counting my time before they have me excommunicated. They replied with a letter stating that it is a matter that has to be taken up with local church authorities (bullshit, the law says that one has the option of dealing with church headquarters instead of local church authorities for any religion) and that I would be contacted by the Bishop here (even though, in the letter I sent them I asked for no contact outside of a single confirmation letter) and they included a pamphlet called "an invitation" in which they basically told me the first presidency (the prophet and his henchmen) love me and I have their interest and concern because they want to see me "nourished by the good word of God" (like I couldn't get that outside of the church) and they included a very generic apology if one has been offended. They also say that if you find yourself "outside of the embrace of the church" they want me to come back and "partake of the happiness you once knew" (since I found so much happiness in living a lie, and always feeling like I wasn't worth anything no matter what I did). Then... apparently... they need my strength, love, loyalty, and devotion... blah blah blah. The End.I haven't told anyone in my family yet except for my Grandma Wodehouse.

Bah.. okay... I think I'm gonna go now that I've successfully written more than 2 sentences in this thing for the first time in a long while.. lol... Hope you all have a great one

Take care!

-Linds

Sunday, January 21, 2007

College Weekends....

I can't describe what I am feeling. So lost. So ill.

Too much for too few days. Rejected love, finding out the love of my life wants to wait, after all this progress, all this time. And now I wait... for something that may never even come.

Attacked... bringing back memories. As soon as he put his hands up my shirt I remembered everything. I kicked the door. My hands were too weak, but my voice wasn't. Adi was my savior, interrupting his intentions. Nobody knows what it brings back. The weight of that man pressing down on me in that back seat. I feel every touch he ever gave me, burning through my skin. I've tried for years to wash it away, I was in deep enough to fool myself that it was working. All I can think, is that this is what I am worth. I finally fell in love... for the first time. The first time I ever said those words, knowing she had times before. I should have known I'd be another on her list of love that "didn't work out". And now... the only love I've known is being left, realizing I'm nothing, being used. Perhaps that is me... I'm supposed to lay limply in the backseats of cars and accept what I am given. Too many times in too short of a life.

I loved her... and it was so hard to sleep with her. But love overcame that... until the night... she told me I had a problem. I finally released. I gave her something of myself I was never given the option of releasing willingly. And now I have a problem.

It was never meaningless.

I always wanted you out of love.

And now all I can think is... thank god there were people around this time. Thank god he fumbled one handed with my belt as his hand slipped down my pants and groped my naked hip.

I hope that as this haze clears so will my mind.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Have you ever had a dream about someone you know or used to know and it just stirs up old emotions you had for them? Almost like you had pushed them to the back of your mind but something within you finds it and reminds you.

I had a dream last night about my friend, I’ll call him C. C and I have been friends since I was.. Hmm... in fifth grade. Even then I felt so lucky to know him. As I got older my feelings of friendship for him changed and I realized in High School that I actually loved him. I was that cliche of the girl falling for her friend. But of course, this guy was amazing...and I couldn’t do a thing to make him notice me more, and surprisingly it is because he already noticed me. Unlike most of my other “High School crushes” C wasn’t egotistical and sort of the “manly ruler of my own universe” kind of guy. C was self confident, but not overly so, he was so kind to everyone and so gentle. He’s that guy that doesn’t fit in with the shallow popular boys, but the girls all love him anyways.

I think he was the only boy that I ever truly loved in a romantic way. Enough for me to just push that whole “liking girls” thing right out of my mind, enough to make me a practicing Mormon again just to be with him. Anyways, C left on his mission this summer, we came home from vacation to a message on our answering machine that they were having a going away party for him, unfortunately they left that message after we left for vacation and it took place the day before we got back. So now... he’s all the way across the world and I didn’t get to say goodbye.

I never really realize how much I miss him until now. I had a dream about him, that I was hanging out with him 2 days before he went on his mission and it made me truly miss him again. I am definitely going to have to get his e-mail address from my mom and start talking to him again.

Things like this are just so confusing, liking girls but knowing that one guy out there that you could live a straight life with. And with time things become increasingly confusing. I recently developed my first straight crush since I came out. I can’t explain it... But at the same time... where I have one guy crush, I have 3 girl crushes (not really but it's just a statement of comparison). My problem is I fall in love with the personality of the guy, and never really stop to think about the relationship aspect of being with them. Craziness.I can't wait until I have the internet at home.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Boys, boys, boys....

I am thinking about trying boys for a little while...

I dunno....

and... I want to go to church every once in a while when I get back up to school...

We'll have to see...

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Conversation...

I got a comment on one of my myspace blogs today and wanted to post both the original post and my reply, this woman is the leader of a Christian, Former Mormon group, she had no clue I was gay though both me and my ex-girlfriend attended a few meetings together:

BLOG COMMENT:

Okay Linds, I have to comment on this...
I agree with a side to this, in that discrimination is wrong. No one deserves to treated like a lot of these people are. However, that being said, I believe homosexuality to be wrong, even aside from my beliefs in God, because it is way harmful to the individual, which in turn is harmful to society, because when we have sick individuals, we have a weakened community. A person's choices are most likely to effect others, and in this case, negitively.
So am I being disrespectful by saying homosexuality needs to go away? Or are homosexuals being disrespectful by hurting themselves and others? By hurting I mean that it's proven that among homosexuals there is a great increase in disease, depression, violence, suicide, lifespan shortened etc... I'm not sure of your total views on this, because I am with you as far as loving goes. But again, we have the right to protect ourselves from disease, (the paramedic one) and things like that. The bottom line is that there is a difference between not accepting a person, and not accepting there beliefs/lifestyle as correct or positive. Not to mention I don't think it's homophobia that makes me want to stay away from disease, it's...disease. People like me don't hate gays, but we are called uncaring. People like me are not disrespectful, we are truthful. Homosexuality is a weakness to mankind, especially to themselves. Seeing people suffer hurts me. Therefore homosexuality hurts me.

MY RESPONSE:

I just read your comment... and I have to tell you. I'm gay. I can see your point, without a doubt, but part of the reason I no longer feel comfortable at FMO meetings is because of a comment made about gay people. The reason I no longer felt like I could stay in the mormon church is because I knew I was gay and could never be accepted. And I am beginning to feel that way about much of Christianity in general.
I agree with you... being gay is harmful to ones self in today's culture, just the way being black was harmful to one's self in a society filled with racism. I am the living example of all those things you listed. I have experienced depression, suicide, and cutting, but it wasn't because of my sexuality, it was because of people's reaction to it. It is because people suddenly ostrasized me for something I can't change. My mother kicked me out of my home, my friends abandoned me, I was repeatedly told that the way I love, and the people I love is an abomination to God. The lack of acceptance is what is causing these things for gay people.
I can remember liking girls for as far back as I can think. I just assumed when I was in Kindergarten and thought that this one girl was beautiful, that every girl felt that way. But then as I got older it becamse painfully obvious that I was different.
Love is love. We are told repeatedly as children that it is what is on the inside that counts, but then, when it comes to love it is different. It is what is on the inside that counts, as long as the person is of the opposite sex. I am in love with a woman, and I would be in love with her if she was male, female, black, pink, purple, blue, deaf, blind, any of these things because I love who she is... I could care less about her exterior.
The way I described this to my mom was to ask her to imagine falling in love with a man, just being so deeply in truly love with him, and then finding out later that he is actually a woman, would that immediately change your feelings for them? The way you feel when you think about being with another woman, is the way I feel when I think about being with a man.
Thankfully we are making slow but sure progress when it comes to the rights of gay people. Just as african-americans were treated wrongly in the beginning, in both government and religion, so it is with gay people. There were so many back then who truly believed that african-americans were not equal, just as there are so many today that truly believe gay people are a 'disease', and hopefully to our children it will seem just as wrong to be prejudiced against homosexuals as it is for us now to be racist.
I truly do understand where you are coming from, I am ashamed to say while in the mormon church I threw myself into anti-gay marraige stuff just because I knew I was gay and thought if I worked against gay rights and such that it would go away, or be less obvious or just change me somehow... I have read all the arguments, I know all the scriptures, but at the same time... I know God loves me no matter what, and I believe that if my earthly father can accept me and love me for who I am, certainly God, the father of all fathers can do the same, and I think I would be underestimating him to believe any differently.
I am sorry for the long rant, I definietly have my moments where I can be long winded.
I hope all is well with you.
-Linds

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Life... and other such nonsense...

Well... life is... good... I think someone must be slipping crack into my drinks or something because I am just so damn happy! I just do not get it! I went and bought "The First Kiss" soundtrack.. and it has perfect songs to listen to when you're kind of sad and need a nice meaningful slow song... but NO... I have to be HAPPY gosh darn it! lol... Actually... I love being happy again. I realized that in High School... I always hung out with all the deep thinking sad kids. So, in order to fit in I had to figure out how to be that way... so... now... I suppose I am a recovered sad kid.. lol...

Anyways... this weekend should be muy interesante! I am going camping with my ex girlfriend and her family. Should be eventful sharing a private tent with the ex that wants to elevate our status to "friends with benefits".... oy vey. Gosh... I always have to beat them off with a stick... just kidding... lol... I've only had to beat one off with a stick... and I don't think he even counts... *shudders*... nope... he definetly didn't count...

Oy vey... I better get going, girl drama going on, plus I have to pack, shower, and get up early tomorrow to leave... I love you all!!

-Linds

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Amazing Quotes...

As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe-

Self-trust is the essence of herosim.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

What we change inwardly will change outer reality.
-Otto Rank-

Empires of the future are the empires of the mind.
-Winston Churchill-